Another year, another collection of turkeys to get their
feathers ruffled by Dustin, the most revolutionary beast to make
it from Ballybrack in a rundown Hiace. We love Dustin
round here not least because, like Zig & Zag were, he has an
appeal far beyond the tots who tune in and drop everything for
A track like "Born Greasy" (Underworld's "Born
Slippy" re-arranged for burgers and chips) is a
masterstroke, a bit of repainting Dustin himself couldn't find
fault with. An array of chancers (Joe Dolan, Ronan Keating
and Linda Martin) try to muscle in but to no avail. Who
the hell do they think they are anyway? When Dustin is in
the studio, there is only one star. Let's hope he survives
the next couple of weeks.
has survived another Christmas. Muse feather-plucker Donal
Scannell goes undercover to a secret location to talk turkey
with the farmyard Joe Dolan, Dustin The Turkey.
Dustin's had another great year as Ireland's foulest TV
personality. Following the great tradition of TV stars who sing
- Robson and Jerome, Michael Ball, Mike Murphy - Dustin has had
even more success in the pop world. Certainly, his "FAITH
OF OUR FEATHERS" album did us all a favour by making
sure Garth Brooks stayed well away from Number one.
Christmas as you can expect is a tough time for turkeys,
hence the elaborate lengths we had to endure in order to gain an
audience with Ireland's most wanted. Coded instructions directed
us to take the number 10 bus and meet him somehwere that would
be deadly quiet - Dustin suggested the Chris De Burgh
appreciation society Christmas social which was suitably empty.
After a friendly greeting and firm handshake I remark to
Dustin that he's looking well for a Turkey at this delicate time
of year. "Thanks for noticing Donie", comes the
reply, "Obviously at Christmas I have to watch what I eat
because everybody loves a plump turkey - I mean just look at
Derek Davis. I have to look after myself at Christmas, just keep
the high ball low and keep out of people's way. I hang around
vegetarian clubs and Leitrim - where they haven't invented
But Dustin, surely as Ireland's most prominent turkey you can
use your influence to stop this ridiculous annual slaughter of
your peers? "The turkey thing has been something my
poultry party have been campaigning about and we've been helped
by other high profile turkeys like Pat Kenny and Pat O'Mahony.
Vegetarianism is on the increase but it's not growing fast
enough - I lost four of my mates last Christmas. People don't
consider this. We have to stop this, but the time you have to
stop this is Christmas and I'm going around shouting about I'll
only get myself noticed and get plucked."